Commitment-phobic? How you can enjoy relaxed relationships and dating (Editor's opinion)

Even in an imperfect world, people still overcome this issue with the help of professionals or sheer self-awareness. Then we have those who take pride in their commitment issues, and those who have no idea why the thought of having a significant other terrifies them. It doesn't terrify them enough to chase them away into the "Forever Single" "Stingy Men Associations" and the likes, just enough for them to develop unhealthy relationship dynamics that undermine what they want - a loving and enduring relationship.

But that doesn't have to be the case. Dealing with commitment issues and enjoying a healthy relationship, dating life, can be accomplished simultaneously.

Now, most causes of commitment issues and consequences require some deep self-reflection and uncovering of the past, something which is not possible for most people due to circumstances.

Due to that gap, different people develop different coping mechanisms to deal with this anxiety. Spreading commitment issues, a wide array of stormy relationship dynamics and simply hating/avoiding relationships.

What is the missing link?

Talking

Talk about your issues

"Hey, I really like you. But I have commitment issues and they are bothersome. I might not want a future with you, I might be weird about texting back. Are you willing to get together?" Sounds like what a nursery child would say if it ever felt commitment issues. But don't we all at some point wish to have that childhood superpower, of blunt honesty, forgiving and forgetting, that we lost?

As we grow, our experiences become more 'vivid' in memory, along with who we are, and the emotional capacity to deal with all of them narrows to deal with a few. We become more 'sure' of ourselves, our experiences and the meanings behind things. However, at the end of the day, commitment issues are only part of oneself, we come to identify with them and they define how we feel and think about getting involved with others.

If they are part of who you have become as a result of experience, does it not make sense to let that topic come up at some point? Get that out there so that when that behaviour shows up, both parties can deal with the issue.

According to marriage and family therapist, Kiaundra Jackson, these are some of the fears and behaviour you might want to talk about.

The thought of dedicating oneself to a long-term goal in a relationship or to a serious relationship is unimaginable.
Rejecting any opportunity to take the relationship or dating to the next level, and not because "things are moving very fast".
Avoidance, avoidance, avoidance, of making future plans with your partner, talking or thinking about the future of the relationship.
Lack of emotional attachment.
These spiral down into poor communication including delayed response to calls or/and texts.
Inconsistency, being picky about generally considered 'small things.'
And the icing on the non-existent cake (because there's no commitment to bake it) a history of short-lived relationships.

The cost of honesty

The magic in 'talking about it' is that it takes the focus off oneself being gamophobic and anxious, while focusing on what you actually want in a relationship. The positive things that are covered by avoidance behaviour. The other person might even surprise you with their reaction to what you consider an issue.

The worst that can happen is that the other person says they cannot handle them. However, the self-acceptance from that dialogue will show up more in dating and relationship(s) as one moves from the destructive side of commitment issues to the positive side.

Warning: Or someone uses your commitment issues against you. On the other extreme, you use your commitment issues to get sympathy and get away with certain things instead of embracing change.

Albeit, this is one of those things that are easier said than done. If you are deep in the throes of a phobia, it is hard to see reason or imagine a different reality where that fear is not the only thing you feel. This is where therapy comes in - professional, or self.

Talk to yourself about your issues

The magic of self-talk

"I need to get away", "I need space", "I need time"...These are commonly heard when one wants a break from inner stress, physical pressure or an environment.

However, we almost never imagine that we might need space from ourselves!

Sounds ridiculous to be away from oneself. Try it right now, in your head or out loud, address yourself by your name and ask for space from that 'person'.

It is a strange feeling, and the action is commonly associated with crazy people.

However, a recent study from the work of Ethan Kross, a professor of psychology from University of Michigan, and Arian Orvell, an assistant professor of psychology at Bryn Mawr College, talking to oneself using words usually reserved to address others (name, third and second-person pronouns) make dealing with negative emotion easier.

In fact, whether a person has a difficult time dealing with any negative emotion, the action has the same relief effect as someone who has been using it.

This "distanced self-talk" builds better emotional regulation, and control and fosters wisdom to deal with relationship anxiety.

"(Insert your name) has commitment phobia". Please don't use "distanced self-talk" with your date, commitment issues will be the least of your worries in a mental institution. It is merely for you to get temporary space from the anxiety.

Some fears to address with yourself

A relationship ending without warning
Not being in the "right" relationship
Being in an unhealthy relationship (again)
Trust issues because of past hurts by loved ones

'Talk' to society about your issues

Evidence

Commitment phobia is usually addressed in relationship setting . However, it also shows up in other areas of one's life: work, school, family, friends.

These areas tend to be less touchy on commitment issues and one can get away with it. Fortunately, it can be easier to express what one feels and thinks while looking at commitment anxiety in one or all these aspects and working to make small changes with the help of a spouse.

Options

Lastly, focus on your comfort in relation to another (since their comfort will affect your comfort). Consider if monogamy is really for you. Some people don't have commitment issues, they simply don't subscribe to society's norm when it comes to relationships or dating. Find out if this might be the case.