The U.S. government announced

Kony is the leader of the Lord’s Resistance Army and is wanted for crimes against humanity and war crimes. These crimes include mass killings, torture, and forcing children to become soldiers.

Of course, we all want this dime. Even Kony wants it, so the US government had better be careful that he doesn’t hand himself over in order to get his own reward money!

Before he does so, however, we have come up with an airtight plan on how you can get this “dough”:

1. Find Kony’s Kaunda Suit: In 2002, the Uganda People’s Defence Forces mounted an ambush to capture the rebel leader and he narrowly escaped. It was such a narrow escape that he had to leave his Kaunda suit behind while taking off in bullet-holed underwear. Weeks after that, a man who looked suspiciously like Joseph Kony was seen shopping for a new Kaunda suit in Lusaka, Zambia. Our advice to you is that you open up a shop selling Kaunda suits and underwear with no bullet wounds, then Kony will definitely show up to buy both. We have it on good authority that he’s still looking for a new Kaunda suit to replace the suit he lost back in the day. So as soon as he shows up at your shop, that’s when you grab him and take him directly to the US embassy: Ka-ching!

2. A brief biography of Kony states that he was "born in the early 1960s into an Acholi peasant family in Odek, a village in northern Uganda, Mr Kony is remembered as an amiable boy. "He played football and was a brilliant dancer," one of his former classmates said, recalling the rebel leader's days at Odek primary. The LRA leader, he added, "has never been rigid about anything except his own survival". So, according to the last sentence of this biography, Kony can't get an erection. If you can somehow send him Viagra, you will be able to identify him as the guy with an erection the size of the Central African Republic. Then, you can hand him over to the Americans and....Ka-ching!

3. Announce that Dominic Ongwen (one of the LRA commanders who was convicted in the Hague for war crimes] is out on bail and is organising a party to celebrate his freedom. Make sure the flier for the party has plenty of ladies on it. Kony, a polygamist who has over 100 wives, will show up to offer his hand in marriage to all of them. As soon as he does so, throw the handcuffs onto his ring finger and take him direct to the US embassy! Ka-ching!

4. You know, the US president and the Ugandan rebel leader have the same name: they are both Josephs. If there’s a way you can steal Joseph Biden’s passport, scratch off his surname and then write KONY over ‘Biden’ in capital letters. Then smear charcoal over Biden’s passport picture. After that, take a selfie with the stolen passport saying you are holding Kony as a hostage and all you want is $ 5 million as ransom money. Ka-ching!