I thought about how at the moment me and Theo, a man I met at a workshop last week would have been bonding over the fact that we were both nursing heartbreaks. (I have an inkling Theo didn't really break up with his girlfriend but that's either intuition or a "once bitten twice shy" kind of thing).
Picking broken hearts upside down
One afternoon I was sitting outside of the house and I started thinking of my boyfriend, a near break-up that we had last week.
Well, Theo wants me. To which extent? I do not know but I know for a fact that he wants me sexually. I judge that by the kind of conversation, he keeps trying to have and that he sent me this book on BDSM.
That particular area of my life though is not accessible in the ways that he hopes because of this man, my boyfriend, who I am certainly in love with and looking at a future together.
Once you let people know that you are not accessible in the ways that they want then they do not have use for you. Especially if what attracts people to you is primarily physical. Your beauty, your body, your sex appeal...
It's hard not to feel a gap at the loss of potential bonds so you play, and enjoy the high of the shortlived game. Perhaps they won't forget you. They are marked by you, intoxicated even. You are now a solid presence.
Perhaps this would not be an issue if other types of bonds were just as valued as sexual and romantic ones.
For instance; Why aren't you trying to be my dad? I know it sounds absurd but play with me.
I could show you all my interests and I could get to know yours and you could swell in pride at all my accomplished milestones. All my wins could be yours and yours mine.
We could work through who I am consciously and work through who you are, sit at lunch on all the bad days, and stroke hands from across the table.
That didn't sound as good as having me sexually. No? It did not strike you right. Did you feel a tug at the idea of responsibility without physical benefit?
So maybe actual parents should make this more attractive. Romanticize what it would be like to be a dad, a mum. Perhaps me too, being a daughter has never been something romantic to me.
Don't worry Theo. I do not want you to be my father. Perhaps something else. Perhaps something with no name at all. Do you want to play?
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