107+ funny quotes, jokes, and captions for any occasion

We firmly believe that a well-timed joke can brighten even the most challenging of days or get an eye-roll at least. So sit back, relax, and prepare to be tickled by our selection of uproarious quotes and jokes.

Famous funny quotes that never grow old

1. "Life is like a 10-speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use." - Charles M. Schulz

2. "I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed." - Unknown

3. "If you can't convince them, confuse them." - Harry S. Truman

4. "I'm great at multitasking, I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once." - Unknown

5. "My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I had to do." - Unknown

6. "A joke is a very serious thing." - Winston Churchill

7. "People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day." - A. A. Milne

8. "I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure." - Unknown

9. "I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong." - Benjamin Franklin

10. "If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried." - Unknown

11. "I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific." - Lily Tomlin

12. "The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese." - Unknown

13. "If I had a dollar for every smart person I know, I'd be broke." - Unknown

14. "Dance like no one is watching; email like it will be read in court." - Unknown

15. "I'm so poor I can't even pay attention." - Unknown

16. "When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did–in his sleep. Not screaming, like the passengers in his car." - Unknown

17. "If I had a nickel for every time I made a mistake, I'd be rich." - Unknown

18. "If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough." - Albert Einstein

19. "If at first you don't succeed, try doing it the way your mom told you to." - Unknown

20. "Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive." - Elbert Hubbard

107+ funny quotes, jokes, and captions for any occasion/Pixabay Pulse

Funny quotes and jokes for loved ones

21. “What did the fish say when it hit the wall? Dam!”

22. “Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!”

23. “Why did the chicken go to the séance? To get to the other side.”

24. “Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.”

25. “Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two-tired!”

26. “Why did the melon jump into the lake? Because it wanted to be a watermelon!”

27. “Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.”

28. “What did the fish say when it hit the rock? Darn!”

29. “What did the bee say when it made a wrong turn? Oops! A little buzz navigation error!”

30. “What did the zero say to the eight? Nice belt!”

31. “Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!”

32. “Why did the computer go to the doctor? Because it had a virus!”

33. “What did the tie say to the hat? You go on ahead and I'll hang around!”

34. “Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide!”

35. “Why don't you ever see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're really good at it!”

36. “What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court? Odor in the court!”

37. “Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he was a fungi!”

38. “Why did the dog cross the road? To get to the barking lot!”

39. “What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone!”

40. “Why did the shark go to the dentist? To get his teeth sharpened!”

41. Why didn’t the skeleton go to the party? He had no body to go with!

107+ funny quotes, jokes, and captions for any occasion/Pixabay Pulse

Funny quotes and jokes with a twist

42. "I'm so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed."

43. “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”

44. "You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"

45. "I don’t know what’s tighter, my jeans or our relationship."

46. "Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia."

47. "If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments."

48. "I don't always tell jokes, but when I do, I prefer science jokes. Why? Because they atom."

49. "Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak."

50. "Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel Prize? Because he was outstanding in his field."

107+ funny quotes, jokes, and captions for any occasion/Pixabay Pulse

Funny captions for your memes

51. "My life is a romantic comedy, except there is no romance and it's just me laughing at my own jokes."

52. "I'm not saying I'm Batman, but I'm also not not saying it."

53. "A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor."

54. "I'm not saying I'm a genius, but I'm also not not saying it."

55. "Just keep swimming!"

56. "Some say the glass is half full, others say it's half empty. I say, 'Are you going to drink it or what?'"

57. "Life is short, smile while you still have teeth!"

58. "I'm an early bird, but a night owl got me up this morning."

59. "I'm not saying I'm smart enough to understand quantum physics, but I'm also not not saying it."

60. "Don't be a sourpuss, be a sweetie!"

61. "If life gives you lemons, make lemonade!"

62. When you realize you can sleep in tomorrow:

63. When you find out the office is closed today:

64. When you’re trying to act like you’re listening:

65. When you thought you had a plan:

66. When you’re given a task you don’t understand:

67. When you’re about to take a bite of something delicious:

68. When you’re asked to do something you don’t want to do:

69. When you’re trying to act like you’re concentrating:

70. When you’re about to do something you know you shouldn’t:

71. When you finally get to the end of a long week:

72. When you’re trying to act like you’re okay with something:

73. When you’re waiting for something to happen:

74. When you’re trying to explain something to someone:

75. When you’re trying to act like you’re busy:

76. When you’re trying to be positive but everything is going wrong:

77. When you’re trying to act like you don’t care:

78. When you’re trying to act like you know what you’re doing:

79. When you’re trying to act like you’re not bothered:

80. When you’re trying to act like you’re not interested:

81. When you’re trying to act like you’re not scared:

107+ funny quotes, jokes, and captions for any occasion/Pixabay Pulse

Funny quotes and jokes about Monday

82. "Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life."

83. "Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness."

84. "It's Monday. I'm missing my bed already."

85. "On Mondays, I feel like I'm one step away from becoming a crazy cat lady."

86. "Mondays are like a math equation. You solve one problem and you get another one."

87. "Mondays are like the garbage can of the week, they always seem to be full of surprises."

88. "Why do Mondays feel like they last a year?"

89. "Monday morning is an opportune time to get your head out of the sand and face the week."

90. "Monday is just another reminder that the weekend has past and the work week has begun."

91. "Monday is a fresh start to the week. A chance to wipe the slate clean and start with a positive attitude."

92. "What do you call a Monday that comes after Sunday? Unnecessary."

93. "Mondays are the potholes in the road of life."

94. "I'm so excited for Monday. Said no one ever!"

95. "I don't need Monday as an excuse to procrastinate, I'm an expert at that already."

96. "Monday is a great day to start a new project, dive into a new hobby, or just take a nap."

97. "Monday: A fresh start to a new week of procrastination."

98. "I don't dread Monday. I just dread the weekend ending."

99. "The only good thing about Monday is that it's not Tuesday."

100. "Monday is like a speed bump in the middle of the week, it slows you down but you eventually get over it."

101. "Monday should be optional, like laughter."

107+ funny quotes, jokes, and captions for any occasion/Pixabay Pulse

Funny quotes and jokes about the weekend

102. What did one Saturday say to the other? Can't we just weekend?

103. What did the weekend say to Monday? See you in a few!

104. Why did the weekend go so quickly? Time flies when you're having fun!

105. What did the weekend say to the alarm clock? Please be quiet, I'm trying to sleep in!

106. What did the weekend say to the week? Don't forget about me!

107. Why did the weekend stay so long? It wanted to make the most of its time off!

108. What did Sunday say to Saturday? Let's do it again next weekend!

109. Why did the weekend feel so short? It had so much to do and so little time!

110. What did the weekend say to Friday? Thanks for having me!

111. What did the weekend say to Monday? Don't be so glum, I'll be back soon!

Final thoughts

When you're looking for a good laugh or need a pick-me-up, our collection of funny quotes and jokes will do the trick. It can be as simple but warm as sharing a chuckle with friends, uplifting on a dull workday, or a personal moment of enjoying some silly humour on your own. So next time you fancy a good laugh, remember these hilarious gems and share them with your nearest and dearest. Who knows, you might be the reason someone else has a great day!