Why most criticism doesn't work

Call it the Premiership Football Complex: fans offer unsolicited advice and hurl insults at football players on the pitch, yet they can't get off their beer-swilling behinds to kick a ball themselves!

Such advice is usually a veiled attempt at a criticism which compensates for the critic’s own inability get into the arena and fight the good fight.

Criticism as autobiography

When Oscar Wilde said, “Criticism is the only reliable form of autobiography”, he meant that criticism tells you more about the psychology of the critic than the people he or she criticises.

Thus, criticism has its limitations when:

· It is about somebody’s character or personality, rather than their behaviour

· When criticism is filled with blame, it stops being healthy

· If it is focused pointing out flaws instead of prescribing solutions towards improvement of the person being criticised

· If it is about the “right way” to do things, then it is unobjective and unhelpful

· When it is focused on belittling, it is more than a little mean.

Steven Stosny, a psychologist, points out: “Criticism in close relationships starts out on a low key, in most cases, and escalates over time, forming a downward spiral of resentment. The criticized person feels controlled, which frustrates the critical partner, who then steps up the criticism, increasing the other’s sense of being controlled, and so on.”

Why Criticism Doesn't Work

Dr. Stosny says that criticism does not help with positive behaviour change but instead builds resentment in the person being criticised. That’s because:

1. It calls for submission, and humans hate to submit

2. It devalues, and humans hate to be devalued

If you want behaviour change from anyone, it is important to show them how you value them and how you are ready to cooperate with them.

Why We Criticise

“It's because criticism is an easy form of ego defense. We don’t criticise because we disagree with a behavior or an attitude. We criticize because we somehow feel devalued by the behavior or attitude. Critical people tend to be easily insulted and especially in need of ego defense,” says Dr. Stosny.

In future, then, when offering “constructive criticism”, you might want to ask yourself why you are doing so in the first place. If you are honest, you might realise that stepping back in order to step up and actually help will do wonders in shaping somebody else’s behaviour.